Runnin On Empty

Many moons ago, I recorded a home demo called “Who tha hell are you?” it was basically me directing  tha question to tha illness M.E, because I try to see it as sumthin outside of me, infront of me almost,  rather than an actual part of me. I try to encourage  others with illness to do this too because if you attach tha illness to you then you often become tha illness and you also attach blame, and with blame comes guilt and a whole lotta other problems. M.E isn’t your fault, you cant help feeling tha way you do, you didn’t ask for it, you don’t want it, M.E is to blame for how you feel, NOT you……you wouldn’t normally feel tha way you do, you wouldn’t normally live tha way you do if it wasn’t for M.E, So by seein it as sumthin separate from yourself, infront of you to talk at, be angry with etc, you separate blame from yourself, and keep tha illness infront of you rather than an actual part of you body N soul …is this making sense?  lol! Anyhow After direct...

Tha problem with M.E apart from having to cope with  enough symptoms to fill an encyclopaedia  with is  it means you have no life, so if you have no life other than M.E what are you expected to talk about? When I’m not recovering from major surgery I do have a little bit of a life that I’ve carved out for myself but that’s taken a long time and takes discipline and determination to carry out because it doesn’t stop my day being consumed by M.E. and everyone copes differently. For those of you that don’t have M.E let me explain, imagine a time when you’ve had  raging toothache, you know tha kind, where it feels like your  whole heads pulsating and throbbing with pain?  now imagine painkillers don’t work, theres nuthin tha dentist can do so you’re just gonna have to get on with it, live like that everyday probably for tha rest of your life……..now throw flu and a  hangover into tha mix and everyone expects you to carry on as normal?…I’m just giv...

I try not to do “what ifs” in fact I very rarely do them, and even when I do it’s kept within tha confines of my head, because there’s zilch point in airing them really, its not like anyone can change things, it just makes other people feel awkward really and offer up a there there, give a few strokes of ya ego, tell you how wonderful you are and to look at what you’ve achieved blah blah blah! I know  that probably sounds arrogant …ungrateful even, but let’s face it, it’s a fact isn’t if?  What else is anyone meant to say?  you don’t really leave them with many options, and tha “What if’s” is a pointless conversation best left to tha head. I’m only airing it here because I’m guessing there’s many of you that feel exactly tha same so I thought it’d be an interesting article if nuthin else,  a chance to ponder, a chance for honesty even if its painful. Don’t you ever find yourself asking “What would I have become? What would I have done? Where would I be if i...

Its difficult to get out and about when you have M.E and seeing as I’m still in post Op recovery its become doubly  difficult. I managed to get out yesterday for tha first time to have a haircut, I never knew one could get soooooooo excited by the prospect of a haircut, but I was, Not just because I was beginning to resemble a long haired Llama but because I was eager to get out.  When you’re stuck within four walls day in day out its very easy to become agoraphobic, I know because I’ve suffered with it unfortunately. It was at tha start of my illness and I’d been practically housebound for two years with M.E so by tha time I could get out a little.... I couldn’t, it was as simple and as crazy as that. For anyone that hasn’t suffered with agoraphobia, let me tell you it can happen to anyone.  I shamefully have to admit  that I used to laugh at documentaries where people had agrophobia, I didn’t get why someone just couldn’t  go outside, they must be a ...

After the sad news broke that Jack Osbourne had M.S, the  social networking sites were awash with shared news articles, and words of sympathy and one of our Facebook friends had written “wish it could have been M.E” not that they wished any kinda illness on Jack or anyone else for that matter, they were just saying what a lot of us M.E sufferers were probably thinking. The amount of publicity and celebrity support has been, and is going to be enormous, a publicity and support we could so do with in the M.E world, BUT…..yes, theres that word again, the infamous but…..i firmly believe that if Jack Osbourne had been diagnosed with M.E instead of M.S there wouldn’t have  been any media frenzy, there woudn’t be an interview in OK magazine, it wouldn’t of been splashed across the front of the national newspapers and it wouldn't have been on every news channel going, and the reason for this is, if he had been diagnosed with M.E instead of M.S I believe he wouldn’t of ...

So just a little blog update on recovery progress, thanx to the removal of tha giant space hopper otherwise known as a huuuuuuuuuge mass from my belly I’m now one and a half stone lighter, unfortunately tha chubs also shifted from my face so I’m looking a bit haunted at tha mo with dark circles under tha eyes, but losing it from my belly is awesome obviously and I cant remember a time I was this weight so its cool, I’ll certainly try and maintain it. Even better news, I received a confirmation letter Saturday 2 nd june from my surgeon and cancer specialist to confirm tha mass was benign and NOT cancer J , I’d already been told but theres nuthin like seeing it in print. It also stated that all the other bits they took out turned out to be healthy too, which begs tha question, do I reply and ask them to stick them all back in? J Tha recovery is a bit of a nightmare to say tha least but compared to the alternative outcome I really can’t complain. For every hour I’m up I seem t...

This is just a short N sweet one for ya. I admittedly  have tha most weirdest and wackiest thoughts  especially when housebound/bedbound...although i prefer to call it a creative mind.   So tha other day I had this thought/ nightmare scenario  that I die and go up to heaven and.......................