Runnin On Empty

So I was at the doctors on Monday as I’m not recovering very well from the Op back in May, I also seem to be in constant M.E and Fibromyalgia relapse and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. That’s what I said to the Doctor as I turned my head unable to look him in the face as tears streamed down mine “I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be ill for so long” That may sound a weird thing to say, its not as if anyone asks to be ill as such but I do feel to blame to some degree, life choices, paths taken, corners turned, they were all chosen by me. Sometimes life circumstances only leave you with bad choices, granted, but I was still the only one that made them, nobody else, so yes I feel responsible for the predicament I’m in today .   I often wonder if those with other illnesses feel the same way, I’ve never thought to ask.  Who’s to say if I’d made different choices, taken different paths I may have just escaped the all consuming clutches of M.E, I guess we’ll never know. The truth i

Whenever I hear the Kate Bush Track  “Running Up that Hill” My first thought is to imagine myself literally doing just that. We live on a kinda hill  here on the street where I live,  so  I close my eyes  to a black N white video of me  running up that hill with no problem. This is swiftly followed by the realization that I never actually ran anywhere even before I had M.E so I’d hardly be doing that in real life, even if I did ever get my old body back. I’m a woman, god gave us buffers, small ones in my case, but buffers nonetheless, we weren’t designed for running J And that thought is swiftly followed by my inner head voice saying …running up that hill?...running up that hill?….I’d be frickin grateful just to walk it. August 14 th 2012 marked three months since my Operation, and I’ve been up and down relapsing quicker than a whores draws, at the moment I’m in yet another relapse….a relapse of what you may ask? And I would reply a relapse of just about frickin eve

I may have M.E but a mind can still soar above a bodies limitations :) xxx : I may have M.E but a mind can still soar above a bodies limitations :) xxx

The deal with M.E is we either accept being shackled to a spot marked X and sit there waiting for our life to end (Watching Eastenders can often produce tha same effect lol!) or we pick up the ball and chain and take M.E with us for as far as the chain will allow us to yank it. Its not easy by any means, its not normal to go absolutely anywhere when you feel so ill, we wait don’t we…until we’re better? Now if you haven’t got M.E then imagine a time you’ve been really ill, so ill that you’ve had to have time off work, missed going out with ya friends, and its been really frustrating, but you know in a day or two you’ll be better again…you just know, because that’s what normally happens isn’t it?..thats what we expect. Now imagine you wait and wait and wait but you never get better ever again…welcome to M.E. Its been said that to have M.E is to wake up everyday feeling as though you’re dying, and having suffered for 21yrs I can vouch that its true. Sometimes I feel as