It's Not A Round Robin?

As those who follow will know, I always publish an end of year article ? Although I refuse to call it a round Robin, because firstly? It's not, and secondly I've never understood why anyone would want to know that back in March Tarquin gained a distinction in his nose piccolo exam? Or that more recently Annabella was photographed on social media with a pimple and has had to go into trauma counselling to get over it? So now we're clear its not a round Robin, let me  kick this off with a Merry Christmas....although let's face it, it's more just Christmas minus the Merry?

I'm a great believer that out of the most terrible things that happen in life, there are lessons to be learnt ? (Like always purchase an extra pack of toilet rolls when shopping just in case? ) The problem is, from my own personal view of life the past year and a half it has been overwhelmingly full of non stop lessons on loss and betrayal, people and places not being what I thought they were, trust shattered, relationships rocked, relationships lost. If you thought I'd be blaming this Covid/Lockdown situation ? Then you'd be wrong, all this time has done is produce a stillness, a clarity and I've  seen true colours ( This is not a cue for a Cyndy Lauper song) .

 I was recently reminded that the people I thought I was going to have to let go of had actually let me go a long time ago, I'd just never accepted it  (Don't even think of singing that Frozen song?) So it is with bitter sweet  heart that I say my lesson learnt now and as I go forward is the art of acceptance, knowing when something is done and walking away (I'm tempted to shout Craig David, but then I'd have to ban myself from my own page?)

Loss comes in many forms and when the people letting you go are still here it can be tough, but you can't afford to take it personally otherwise as I've learnt you just stay forever hurting, and the person/people/places you're hurting about are skipping along through life singing Zipideedoodah totally oblivious to your worry and wounds .People can let us go for loads of reasons, I think the main one being we've served our purpose, sometimes we don't fulfill anothers needs any more and someone else has come along that offers what that person is needing at that point in their life?

And as you no doubt love your family and friends? The best thing you can do is accept they've moved on, wish them all the love and luck in the world and move on with your own life. You don't have to  physically say this to them, as in my case I've done it all in my head while meditating, It also doesn't mean closing the door completely, somewhere down the line they may miss whatever it was you bought to their life and want to reconnect and whether you do or don't will be your choice. Acceptance of  loss has been a really hard lesson that I'm still learning, but I know I deserve to be treated better and so with that in mind I have semi closed the door on a number of relationships recently after years of trying and I know I will have some more semi closed doors to accept and continue with as we go into 2021. The bottom line is any relationship takes two, we're all busy, we're all dealing with life poop of some sort because unfortunately that's the normality of life, but if people are important enough we make an effort to at least pop up every once in awhile to say hallo  don't we? While it naturally still hurts right now it also feels weirdly liberating after all these years to finally realise......yes, I know, I'm slower than a sloth on Nytol to cotton on.

As for Christmas I had the most amazing multi-coloured bath bomb arrive from a niece, far too nice to drown in the bath, ( bath-bomb NOT niece)  so it is sat regally on top of a glass chakra candle making the whole upstairs of our house smell as you'd imagine heaven to smell ? Even the young post lady who was doing her best to social distance as she put the box on the doorstep, seemed reluctant to let go of it as I stepped forward to pick it up  "I don't know what's in that box, but it smells absolutely divine, it smells like heaven?" she said looking at me as though It was something that I'd ordered and was about to tell her, instead I smiled and shrugged and she walked away disappointed for being none the wiser. 

I also had a hand made card from another niece, which lit up my heart. I was shocked when she told me, I would've never known it looked so professional.   But it's not just the fact I received these things and others, they mean far much more. They mean that someone's thought of you and thought it important enough to take time and trouble to do something about it , choose something, make something, and write your name on it and  go to the post office and send it to you. You see, just because you become an adult it doesn't mean you stop having insecurities or stop needing to  know every once in a blue moon that  you still matter to someone, and that people you love  and care about still love and care about you too.  My late grandmother summed it up, she always used to say that she still felt like a  21 yr old girl inside but that when she looked in the mirror her face & body had changed  and were old and wrinkly and the 21 year old couldn't work out what had happened. I never understood it then, but with time and age I've come to understand it completely.                                      

I'm still that cheeky, freaky, mischievous imp making people laugh, usually when they shouldn't or don't want to, including myself,  still never shut up, still curious,  still love and care about people probably way too much, still fighting injustice and taking on the world, still flawed, damaged and crazy, still jump around the room in my undies  (energy permitting) when a banging tune comes on...If I make it into my 80's/90'S  I know that I'll still be all those things and more, even when the outer package changes. It was actually while writing this piece that I realized that while I'm fiercely independent I  still have a  need  to  occasionally  know that I'm cared about, it's like an anchor I didn't know I needed until  the loss of my brother and sister, another acceptance you could say? 

Many people are discovering things about themselves and Life since Covid/Lockdown began. resetting, changing, So I've shared with you that mine is acceptance, I'd be interested to know if this year has seen a change or reset for you and what it is? Something that won't change of course  is that I will still very much  continue to be part of and support  Lets Do It For ME! in raising awareness & funds for Charity Invest In ME Research

Before I go I'd like to really thank those of you that have supported my rants, rambles and randomness and been part of my life, However I have decided to  step back from writing and posting on social media for now to question my own path whether writing is where I  belong or where I want to be considering the changes I've seen over the past few years? The bile of white superiority, pompous arses disguised as innocent opinion is something I've seen coming through in wolf pack mode since the start of Brexit disagreements and has only gathered momentum with the Covid crisis.

As a writer you have to adopt rhino skin, having been raised on one of the toughest council estates in my area you could say I was readily trained? I wouldn't say I've seen and heard it all, but enough not to fall into a blubbing heap because someone calls me some cursory word, I had a Column in my local paper for 9yrs, people have different views, I've always welcomed that and healthy passionate jousting, it's all part and parcel of writing and you can't take it too seriously, but what I do take seriously is this  undertone of supreme white arrogance that I've seen becoming more acceptable and more normalized, the arrogant puffed up chest of those with ego, eager to shove their self righteous authority down the throat of others who dare to think differently  and with often an  insulting, patronizing, condescending disrespectful delivery, that's not "just" an my opinion?   

The White superiority attitude isn't new of course, I first encountered it a number of times in acting circles as a child of which it was rife, it's not just saved for those of different skin tone as is often portrayed, and I have to say In all my years on the planet, of which are many, I have never encountered this type of  toxic attitude with any humans of other wonderful skin tone ?  Thankfully there was usually one brave renegade  teacher willing to stand up and speak out before heading to the  exit for the last time, where a few of  us renegade pupils would stand united and gladly follow. In my latter teens I too learnt to stand up, speak out and walk when required. It isn't just reserved for lovey circles  of course, you find it in and outside of the whole entertainment industry in every walk of life. It saddens me greatly, but under this government, a prime example  of the subject in question, I believe it will only become worse and that's not what I want  as part of my day or life.  

    I wish you all Love, peace, good health, or at  least better  health and

             of course happiness in abundance. Happy New Year.

                                      Stay blessed, back before Elvis x   





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