Please Don't Do A Michael!

Wednesday 6th May 2015  started out a day like any other. As someone in ill health, I was sitting at my desk in my bedroom working on the laptop, think of todays  Isolation/Lockdown only 24 years worth courtesy of M.E ?  My mother had just entered the bedroom when my phone rang, it was my sister Michele, I did my usual cheery " Hi Smell, you okay?" but she sounded awkward, she asked if mum was with me, at which point Mum came over and sat at the end of my bed thinking I was about to hand the phone over. Then my sister said " Stacy, I have some bad news"  I immediately thought it was my Dad, I mean  we tend to think  life goes in order don't we, even if that's totally false, which of course it is, and as I felt that 
sickening fight or flight adrenaline start to course through my body and braced myself  for  what she was about to say next, absolutely nothing could've  prepared me. 
" I'm sorry, it's really really bad news"
"Go on?"
"Michael has passed away"
"How?"

In the split second it took her to answer, I figured as a smoker with a dodgy lung  my brother had  probably keeled over in the garden while ironically having a fag?
"Er.....he took his own life"
At that moment it felt as though time and life stood still. No not Michael, not my cool, clever, stubborn, grumpy, incredibly funny handsome brother?  Besides, he had a wife that he adored and two teenage  sons, he wouldn't do that to them?

In his younger years he'd started voluntary work with the Samaritans, an organisation I didn't and still don't agree with for it's  training methods and it's often  cold, robotic,emotionless manner, we had many debates about it, but I respected his decision and was proud of him for giving up his time anyway ,18 years worth of time. He would talk about people taking their own life as being "Selfish" having an "I'm alright Jack" mentality, leaving a whole heap of pain behind for everyone else to suck up for the rest of their life, yeah nice one?  So it made no sense that  on that Wednesday morning 6th May 2015 Michael, in a bout of depression did what he'd stopped many others from doing over the years, and left himself for one of his sons to find when they came home from college ... yeah, nice one indeed.

I'm not angry with my brother, i'm incredibly and utterly broken that  Depression hijacked him one day without warning ,stuck its black sack over his head and dragged him off to overwhelm him and finish him off.  I wish i'd known that he was in a bout of depression and we could've sat drinking Coffee and had one of our Life & Universe chats, that usually ended with him rounding the conversation off with "42" a reference to The Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy  and the meaning of life. which would then be followed by us laughing. 

Laughing is not something I do very often these days because my brother was right about one thing, the pain suicide leaves for those left behind is sizeless and endless , even five years on there are days it's so all consuming, i feel like i could physically throw up and never stop. Ironically just  a few months later I was receiving a similar call but from my dad, through sobs, he told me it was my sister Michele, she'd been diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer, she passed away ten short weeks later.
I wanted to ring my brother, whenever there was a crisis, he'd always say " We'll have to be the strong one's stace" Meaning that him and me would stay tough and  make sure everyone else was okay and get them through whatever the crisis was.  But of course, I couldn't.

The reason for this post today?  Not only to mark five years since losing Michael , but to urge any of you  feeling lost? depressed? or helpless?  to not give up, please don't ever  ever give in to suicide. The pain you will cause your family and friends will last  for the rest of their lives, they won't just forget you, or get on with their lives, they won't be better off without you, that's the depression talking, trying to trick you into handing over control to it, remember that, and just talk to someone, and if you don't feel there is anyone, come talk to me   but please please don't ever do what Michael did that day because you will destroy the people that love you the most. Everything in life is temporary and  you won't always feel that low and death is never the answer. Whoever you are and wherever you are there is always someone that cares enough about you and want's you to carry on living, me for one.  X 
                                          
https://hectorshouse.org.uk/
https://www.thecalmzone.net/
https://www.facebook.com/andysmanclub/
https://www.mind.org.uk/
https://www.prevent-suicide.org.uk/          

Comments

  1. Incredible blog - writing this through tears in our eyes. Thank you Stacy, you really are the strong one xx

    ReplyDelete

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