I'm Miserable, So What? Now Sod Off!

What you are about to read is based on observation, feeling, fact and truth, or maybe I should say my truth because everyone is different of course?  It's not intended to be read with orchestral violins in the background, it's not a one stop shop pity party, it's not looking for Likes, Shares or  Hugs Hun 💖💖💖 comments, it's simply sharing the fact as the title states: I'm Miserable, So What? Now Sod Off.                           

There's so much pressure in  today's society to be  "Happy" Pharrell Williams sang about it and there's been a zillion books written on the subject from "Unf#ck yourself" by Gary John Bishop to Mr Cheerful by Roger Hargreaves, but the truth is it's okay to be bloody miserable sometimes or all of the time if that's the case ? And we shouldn't necessarily flock to nudge, cajole or bully someone back to "Happy."  

Most  life things have opposites, Life/Death, Light/Dark, Happy/Sad, etc, you can't feel one unless you've experienced the other in some way otherwise it wouldn't make sense, both are lessons, however, due to circumstances and  emotional make-up when it comes to emotions some people can get stuck on one side. 

For those of you that have followed other articles of mine over the years you will know I often refer to people holding onto their misery like a comfort blanket?  Again there are many reasons people do this, for some it's learnt behaviour, others, simply loneliness and needing attention, and then there's those who just don't have the  tools to navigate back to "Happy" and even if they did they would be too scared to use them because misery feels safe and familiar, and trying to drag someone back to the light side when they're not ready will only lead to more stress, anxiety and.....misery, some people are just too darn happy in their misery to change. 

Thankfully, I haven't always been miserable, as a kid my nicknames were things like Smiler, Happy-Go-Lucky and Giggler, and from childhood to adulthood i've always used humour to get by, but Life often has a habit of whittling away at you, and while as a young whippersnapper I may have felt like a mighty oak, today I'm more twig. 

The grief of losing my siblings has left me emotionally crippled and I can't pretend otherwise anymore .  Don't get me wrong, I still do the ha ha, hee hee, ho ho, when needed, business when needed, and be professional,you don't have to share your misery with other people all of the time, that's not fair. When the  grief torpedo hits during the day I can just take myself off into another room, let the tears roll and carry on doing whatever it is i'm doing, but it's the stillness of the night that's the worst, the thoughts and pictures seem so loud that even my sobs can't drown them out.  

I'm well aware of the rationalities of life and death, I know what my brother and sister would want and I know we have to carry on but after 4 years I'm not even a quarter of the way there yet. There's a constant emotional pain, littered with  anger and a crushing guilt, while still having the  need to remain strong for other family members. Welcome to grief on loop. We're all at different levels  of our journey, it's not a competition, none right or wrong, just ours. While people are well meaning, there's no words, pills, potions or head doc that's going to change things any time soon, that's only going to happen when my soul is ready to start letting me heal, the problem with that  is I've always been a lousy healer. 

On top of  M.E/Fibro and  other health conditions, grief is exhausting but  at this moment in time I don't see an end date, and maybe it never ends, it's not a position I've ever been in to this degree, I can only navigate  through each day as best as I can, and I prefer to do that alone . While I appreciate "cheer up gifts"  and cards with  smiley faces  I often wonder if  people  are expecting "Instant Happy" like i'm going to grab a pair maracas  and start shimmying  around the kitchen singing Copacabana?    

Much to people's surprise, I'm not a peopley person, I prefer my own company and that of wildlife, throw in chips, cheese and a yoga mat and i'm as contented as i'm ever going to be...for now. For now I accept miserable because  Michael and Michele were my big brother and sister and I was the youngest most annoying one and  losing  them both has meant I've lost a big part of me, there are quirks and memories you can't share with anyone else but your siblings and I feel totally lost and abandoned without them and it's scary. 

Just as it's okay to be "Happy" it's also  okay to be miserable, there's no law against it. I just can't be "Happy" right now, so hold off on the "Time is a healer,"  "Things will get better,"  "Maybe you need to try harder?" yadda yadda!  It's okay to be miserable, I'm miserable, so what? Now sod off. 


                                                        Til Next Time, Stay Blessed
                                                               Back Before Elvis


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