So things have been a bit erratic lately and I didn't want you thinking I don't value your readership, or music follows. I've always been humbled and felt blessed by your support and so I felt I owed you an apology and a little explanation as to what's going on.
While I wear my arse on my sleeve with ease, my heart is a different matter, but here goes..... Nobody holds the licence to grief, we've all experienced it or will do multiple times throughout our life, but it's a personal thing, everyone has different tools and different coping mechanisms and when it comes to healing, be it physically or emotionally I've always been pants at it...its never been for want of trying but I believe its just in our make-up, our DNA.
While most kids at school got a verruca, put cream on it and it was sorted, I went through the whole pharmacy & still ended up with a tree growing out of my foot. I had it cut out, then frozen out until it eventually went, but not before my whole leg went septic and I had to have copious amounts of antibiotics, my foot lanced and drained several times and not allowed to walk for six weeks.
Unfortunately there's no cream for emotional healing and there's no draining the pain away either. Since losing my brother and sister last year I've remained an absolute emotional mess. Having been shackled to illness M.E for 26 yrs It's easy to give people what's expected :
"Hallo, how are you?"
Sound familiar? The truth is while our own lives may be paralyzed by emotional pain, others are not. Life goes on, people are happy, looking forward to things and who can blame them? I was like that a year ago, still excited by life, still had hopes, plans, and dreams, because like I've always said, a mind can still soar above a bodies limitations.
I'm a tough cookie, I grew up on a council estate where fighting everyday was the norm, and drinkers left the local pub via the window most weekends. While things may have hurt me internally, that's where it stayed never daring to cross the boundary affecting the external , No matter whats happened in life my invincible, indestructible, arrogant mindset and juvenile humour have always got me through......until now.
This has left me lost and broken in a way that I just can't grasp, It's opened up an abyss of pointless thoughts and questions that have no answer, but still they come to tease and taunt, and prod at the anger, guilt, and overwhelming sadness that sit with me daily, and so the only way I can often cope is by retreating from everything.
This Saturday 20th August will be my brothers birthday, October will mark a year since losing my sister and the pain of losing them both in such a short space of time is still often unbearable . I've come to realise that due to my pants coping DNA ,a year, two, or five, won't make any difference and time won't heal, but if I don't keep doggy paddling i'm going to sink.
While people are often well meaning, I don't need to read books on overcoming grief, they just state the obvious. I don't need to talk to anyone, there's nothing anyone can say that can change the situation or make me feel better, only I can keep trying to do that. I also don't need the well meaning "God had better plans for them" bollocks. While I've never been religious, I've always believed in god, but even If I was face to face with him now, there is jack he could say that would justify what his done
So that's basically where i'm at, emotionally up and down like a whores draws, leveling out no time soon and driving myself nuts because its so unprofessional , but all I can do is to keep trying and keep apologizing to you for the emotional turbulence as i'm sure this won't be the last.
So what now? On the Music front, as Mama Chill it was probably always going to be delusional to think I could still cut it when I couldn't travel or perform live due to illness, but hey sometimes you still have to give it a shot. I'm not sure I still have the heart for it, but then i'm not sure of anything right now.
It doesn't necessarily mean I won't record again. I'm looking at getting something set up in house, but it won't happen overnight.
The Mama Chill website has been taken down, and i'm in the process of designing a new website under Runnin On Empty, to concentrate on the Column, and other writing stuff, the original raising M.E awareness page will also be staying, and there will still be a Mama Chill music page on the site. The Column will also be back in a week or two, I just need some more time to come back from this latest emotional slide. As for M.E awareness rest assured I've still been writing letters and working offline but i can share that with you another time.
At the end of the day, we're only human and we can only keep trying to do the best we can as we navigate this crazy journey called Life.
So for now, thank-you, speak soon,
& Stay Blessed xxx