Aint That A Shame?

So I was at the doctors on Monday as I’m not recovering very well from the Op back in May, I also seem to be in constant M.E and Fibromyalgia relapse and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. That’s what I said to the Doctor as I turned my head unable to look him in the face as tears streamed down mine “I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be ill for so long”

That may sound a weird thing to say, its not as if anyone asks to be ill as such but I do feel to blame to some degree, life choices, paths taken, corners turned, they were all chosen by me. Sometimes life circumstances only leave you with bad choices, granted, but I was still the only one that made them, nobody else, so yes I feel responsible for the predicament I’m in today .  

I often wonder if those with other illnesses feel the same way, I’ve never thought to ask.  Who’s to say if I’d made different choices, taken different paths I may have just escaped the all consuming clutches of M.E, I guess we’ll never know. The truth is I am in its clutches and seem to be running out of Ninja spirit with each passing year.

I cant speak for everyone and I’m not including everyone BUT…the majority of friends and acquaintances i know that contracted M.E , have either been high achievers who didn’t look after themselves well enough and eventually burnt out , or/and had a traumatic toxic past, both finally knackering the adrenal glands, nervous system and leaving the body open to infections and virus and BAM! Along comes M.E.

People often tell me to have faith, hold on to faith, find faith etc etc, but its bollox to think that god made me ill therefore he can make me well again. Sure I have faith, while I choose not to be religious or have a particular religion , I do believe in a god and I do pray daily, but you cant blame god for everything or make him responsible for putting it right. 

Too many people are quick to use god as an excuse when things go wrong, instead of taking responsibility for the fact that they’ve just messed up or caused the situation themselves. He can only give us the tools then its up to us to utilize those tools and if we get it wrong then we only have ourselves to blame, not him or anyone else.

When I say the words 22yrs, it becomes a reality, 22yrs, every inch a battle, a struggle, that’s often followed by a feeling of panic then immense sadness of a life lost never to get back and a probable whole lifetime ahead of the same daily battle and struggle and the truth is I’m tired and weary, physically and mentally.  Even professional championship boxing matches only last  36mins and think how long and hard they’ve trained for it?

I feel such an immense shame at  being ill I don’t think I could even start to explain, shame at being responsible for making wrong choices, for not working, shame at not being able to partake in the world, maybe its just the generation I grew up in, if you got ill, tough , you just carried on, everyone did, myself included ………until M.E struck that is….

because it took so long to diagnose I carried on working fulltime, it was literally like living a nightmare, I would slump over a table in the back office trying to summon up enough breath to go back out front of shop, other staff would jokingly take the mickey because I had slurred speech and blurred vision and lose my balance but I’d just keep trying to hold on and push through until closing time because by that point I’d already lost everything else, I was too ill for a social life, to make music, I could no longer even walk the 3mins to work and back, mum had to take me and pick me up, so I was holding on to the last bit of normality, but that too  became too much and eventually…I burnt out completely.

Tha doctor doesn’t know why I’m not improving, He cant rule something sinister going on but its too early to tell, it could be something not right with the Op or it could be my other conditions impacting that’s making it a slow recovery, like he said “ its not that simple, its complex” he’s going to see about physiotherapy to try and strengthen my core muscles, BUT, he agreed that because of my other conditions it might make things worse not better, he’s going to see what the physiotherapist says first and someone will be in touch. His also told me to ask when I go back to the hospital in October what they think it could be.

But whatever it is, doesn’t take away tha feeling of shame and embarrassment and their aint no cure or medication for that. All I can do is what a lot of people do, keep praying for strength, praying to retain humour, and praying for the Ninja spirit to return so that I can carry on fighting, Coz that’s all we can do isn’t it? Stay Blessed xxx 



  1. {{{HUGS}}} to a fighter,kung fu or any other style you choose,keep on and on,don't let it win. xxx <3

  2. Dear Stacy
    As I said in my previous reply to your blog it`s early days and it`s still early days. You know what they say about learning to walk before you can run? You`ve had a major operation, you have M.E. and Fibromyagia and you are in full blown menopause with your hormones all over the place. Any `normal` person would need a minimum of six months or more to recover from such and operation! It took me two years. So don`t expect too much too soon. Take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and if it helps pray.
    Don`t be embarrassed or ashamed. Don`t blame yourself for how you are now. How could you know how seriously ill you were? Early diagnosis and resting at the beginning seems to help some but so many push through thinking it`s just a phase and not realising that we need to stop. You are not alone in this. I did much the same.
    And there`s no point looking back and saying "what if"! It`s the past and nothing can change that. You have to live in the moment and the day.
    You are struggling and you are tired in many ways. You are an amazing lady and have achieved so much despite illness. You still can. This is just a phase. You have an invite from me and perhaps when you are stronger you can take up that invite.
    Sending you some huge hugs and french kisses


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