Overwhelmed
There are times when I’m overwhelmed by this illness, and right now is one of those times. when
all the symptoms decide to show up all at at once, every single one of
them, its almost as if one's decided to have
a party invited all the others and the venue just happens to be my body.
I often cant work out if it’s the M.E the Fibromyalgia, or as my Doctor used to
say “Something entirely different”.
Entirely different ?... Nooooooo I find myself screaming,
the venues packed enough as it is, there's not room for anymore. If I have a party I wanna have it where I wanna have it and invite my own guests. If M.E/Fibro
was something I could see maybe it would be a fairer fight, I could have Bodyguards
guarding…well….my body “If you aint got
an invite, you aint comin in” kinda thing, but unfortunately its far from a
fair fight, I don’t know what I’m fighting, I don’t even really understand it,
all I know is, its there, everyday trying
to pull me into a daily vortex of pain and horror like it’s groundhog day.
Just as I’m trying to deal with one symptom that’s messing
up my day, up comes another and another until I’m completely outnumbered and
overwhelmed, paracetamol wasn’t made to conquer all of this at once. Sometimes I’m
so overwhelmed it scares me, its like I’m being over-powered and suffocated and
there's nothing I can do about it.
This thing is way too strong and powerful for
me,but like most sufferers I try to keep goin, stay on my feet, because the thought of stopping is even scarier…..oh I’ve had to stop many times, lying
there in the dark, pain like a knife plunging into your chest with every breath
in and out, trying not to take a too deep breath in the hope it will lessen the constant stabbing, and then becoming too exhausted to breathe so having to forcibly
keep it going, and then the need for sleep eventually starts to over power the pain but you need to stay awake because there's a fear that if you let go you
might just slip away.
That itself opens a dilemma in your head, because in them moments
it seems almost easier to slip away and end the daily nightmare, because even
a moment becomes too long to suffer any more. Of course I cope, I’m 21 years in
with this illness now so I guess I could be considered an ol pro but it doesn’t get any
easier. I’ve seen so many ME/Fibro sufferers give in and succumb, strong, beautiful
talented human beings who were happy-go-lucky, lived and loved life to the full,
and then M.E/Fibro came along slowly chipping away at all that they were and
all that they had, until there was nothing left, it took them completely.
So I’ve been fighting 21yrs, but
what if my fight goes? We all change, especially as we get older, I’m scared my
fight will leave me, and I’ll end up being taken completely too. For those of
you who are healthy its probably hard to understand but as well as fighting our
illness we are also fighting for our lives, its hard to stay strong day after
day week after week, year after year, we’re fighting to hold on so that although the illness destroys our body and mind it doesn't destroy our spirit too.
Realistically there is no hope on
the horizon anytime soon, I don’t think it will even be in my lifetime, there's not
even an M.E medical research centre yet, there's no firm diagnostic test, there's
still arguments about what it is and what part of the body it stems from, so in
some ways we need to stick around to keep fighting the system too, if not for
ourselves then for future generations, another reason to hold on.
Big luv to ya Mama, wish I could do more.
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